trust
by apostatetabris
Summary: zevran has a question, ellanis has half an answer


Ellanis takes the second watch. Wakes from a less than restful sleep when Alistair toes him awake, yawning slightly as he picks up his cane and moves to stand. Full moons overhead, a still burning fire. Plenty of light for him to see around the camp and he places himself where he can watch most of their surroundings. Rests most of his weight on his cane, blinking the lingering sleep from his eyes before it becomes a danger.

Raises an eyebrow when Zevran sticks his head out and catches his eyes. Ellanis waits in the dark as he makes his way over, Zevran carefully picking his route to avoid the loud leaves. Thoughtful of those still sleeping or force of habit? Does it even really matter? Ellanis has been musing quite often about him lately. Not sure what to make of him, this would be assassin who has pledged himself to Ellanis.

"You are not used to this are you hm?" Lilting unfamiliar accent, pretty in a foreign sort of way. Zevran stands with his arms folded across his chest, head tilted as he keeps his eyes on Ellanis. "I've been meaning to ask you, alone, something." Hesitation in his voice, something strange to be coming from Zevran.

Ellanis shrugs, "Ask away." There isn't much he won't speak of, Ellanis has always been open as a rule but. But there are things he will not share, not to this man who so recently entered his life at the end of a dagger. It's- Ellanis shakes his head, wills his wayward thoughts into the present. It's too dangerous to linger on what ifs.

Still hesitant, cautious. Zevran pauses before he speaks again, so low Ellanis can barely hear it over the popping of the coals next to them. Wonders if he's truly meant to hear them. "Why? You spared me for a reason no? It has been near two months but I have no- No direction from you, or from the others." He trails off, gaze dropping to the ground before snapping back to Ellanis' eyes. Moonlight reflecting off them, burn amber and confusion.

"What would you have of me?"

Ellanis halts, opens his mouth and finds no answer. He's thought about this, why he stopped Alistair's sword why he clasped Zevran's hand and pulled him up. Let him join their merry band of misfits. Ellanis didn't have a reason then, not one he could articulate at least and he still doesn't. How could he speak of it?

Would he say the way Zevran talked of the crows reminded him of how he feared the circle? Could he begin to describe how he found Zevran's laughter when they talked of killing him to be reminiscent of his own when he fought those arlings sons thinking it would be the last free thing he did? The last thing ever, maybe. How would he say this past couple of weeks he's grown fond of Zevran if no less wary. Would he say Zevran's smile makes his stomach flip and his heart stutter in his chest?

No. Because these are things Ellanis will not speak of. Not to this man who tried to end his life on the day they met and instead found- Found something else at the end of a staff.

So Ellanis takes a breath, holds it in his chest and lets it fall away from him in a sigh. "Let me answer with a question." Zevran's eyes haven't left his in the long moments of silence. "How can I trust you." The cowards way out maybe, an admittance of Ellanis' own. He doesn't know if he can trust Zevran but they both know he does.

Raises a hand to the back of his neck, the other squeezing his cane. "Just, I don't know Zevran I spared you because I thought you looked like you wanted me to do so. I didn't have a reason beyond that." Its a lie, but here in this darkness lit by the twin full moons Ellanis cannot speak his truths. Not yet. "What do you want me to say? I really-" A sigh and a shrug.

"Listen, if you need a reason to stay I can't give you one. Other than I want you to remain here, helping us. If that's- Should you wish to leave I won't stop you."

A flickering recognition in Zevran's eyes, a slight blush rising in his cheeks. "I see." He dips his head slightly, jerkily. "Then I will not bother you again warden." Turns sharply on his heel and heads back to his tent but Ellanis stops him before he reaches it.

Stretching out a hand to place it on Zevran's shoulder. "Ellanis. It- uh. I like it when people use my name." Attempting to smile in a way that's not horrendously awkward, Ellanis lets his hand fall. Steps back to his post and avoids Zevran's curious eyes.

Not looking back until he hears the whisper of Zevran's tent falling shut behind him.

Ellanis sighs, a heavy rush of air more anxious and embarrassed than anything else. Nearly starts giggling to himself as he drops his head into his free hand. What was the matter with him anymore? Acting the fool like this, making what should have been a simple thing infinitely more difficult than it need be. For no reason at all.

And maybe that's why Ellanis was making this so hard for himself. He had no reason to account for the way Zevran's meaningless flirts could cause shivers to run through him. Not an explanation one as to why his stomach was in knots when Zevran would wink at him over the campfire. No single reason beyond his own stupid, foolish and desperate heart making a mistake he cannot walk away from unharmed.

Irritated Ellanis stamps his cane against the ground, a rapid series of small thumps on the dirt. They're to make contact with the Dalish clan tomorrow or the day after, he has no time for whatever this is. He knows he cannot trust Zevran, out of all of them he is the one most likely to betray them. And Ellanis can't blame him, not really. What would he do, if he had not been conscripted he would not have joined this fool's mission.

Thoughts for another time, Ellanis tells himself. Forces his eyes to scan the forest around them, looking for things he knows will not be there. A distraction which does not exist. Finds instead the slight upward curl to Zevran's lips when he said to call him by his name is the only thing he can focus on.

His watch passes slowly. Keeping him company the twin full moons overhead make their way through the sky. Thoughts muddled and disjointed, how to learn to trust -how to earn it.


End file.
